Love like you've never loved before.

After doing some heartfelt thinking over the past months about lost relationships I decided that I needed to take the time to thank those of you who have been there for me throughout different periods of my life. This isn’t going to be a long overdrawn thing going into full detail about each of the people who have come in and out of my life…cause honestly, that would take FOREVER to write. I just wanted to write a little something to you all so that you know how much I appreciated your friendship. So anyway, here it goes!

After losing a few good friends over the past couple years I got to thinking about relationships and the point of being friends with someone if they were just going to “disappear” out of your life eventually. Then I began thinking about certain situations I have been in; different things going on either at home, work, or with my significant others, and all of the people who have been there for me through these difficult times. The more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that people come into our lives for a reason. At least in my case, they have come in to my life to comfort me, to listen to me, to help me move on and to help me find happiness again. Some friends have been there to remind me that God is there for me and that I need to turn to him in times of trouble. Others have helped me by just being there to hang out. No matter what they did for me, whether they meant to or not, I am extremely grateful. I have made it through those difficult times because of all of those people who took the time to care about me. Sometimes a person just needs to know they aren’t alone. To know that someone out there cares. It’s the little things like getting a text that says, “Have a great day!” or even telling you, “I’m here if you need to talk.” It’s the things like that that get to me. I don’t know what I would have done without all of those friends, even if they have become an “old” friend or are just now coming in to my life. I have treasured our relationship no matter how long it was or will be.

Friends are like our own personal lifesavers. I can only hope that someone, if not me, can be there for them when they need it.<3

So thank you to anyone who has ever taken the time to reach out to me. You have no idea how much it means to me that people care. After many years of struggling with different things, it feels good to know that I will never be alone. You all have helped me through life, and I love you for that. Keep being there for me, and I will do the same for you! And if we aren’t friends anymore…send me a message, say hi! All of this thinking about missing people makes me wish we were all still friends. I could always use a good chat, let’s catch up!

I don’t know what to think or even what to feel anymore. Everyone who means anything to me is slowly drifting away and I’m stuck here, yet again, alone. I feel as though every time I try to get close to someone they lose track of what really matters in life and instead let their selfish desires get in the way. They find something that’s “more important“ than you are, and they let that replace you. And I feel like people get in to relationships looking for something or wanting something then when they realize they aren’t going to get it they cut you off without any warning. Without any hesitation, they disappear out of your life. As if that makes the “break up” any easier on you. No explanation, no chance for closure. Just gone.

I can honestly say that all I want is to be wanted. To know that for once I don’t necessarily need the person, but instead, they need me. My heart has been longing to be loved in return. But who would want to love a million broken pieces…the bits that are left of who I once was? I guess I’ve just been waiting for “prince charming” to come glue all the pieces back together. And every time I think I’ve found that guy, be it a friend or something more than that, he breaks me a little more. It seems the more and more I try to trust people and see the good in them, the more I am let down by their actions and their words.

(A little off topic, but goes with what I said about being let down by actions and words) Whoever said: ”Actions speak louder than words.“ or “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me.” They must have never had anything negative said to them. I will NEVER be able to forget the words he said to me in the text he broke up with me. Something along the lines of: “I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I don’t want to be in a relationship right now…I don’t want the added stress of you being a factor in my decision to move to Seattle…I don’t have time and don’t know when I’ll be in [town] again. Blah blah blah more bullshit goes here” I really don’t know what they were talking about because those words are going to haunt me. The fact that he said he didn’t have time, which was most definitely an excuse, and that all I was to him was “added stress”. Words like that can only make a person feel worthless. I would almost rather be beaten with sticks and stones than have someone say something like that to me. And to think that at one point in time, he was almost more into our relationship than I was and for things to take a turn for the worst in a matter of a week. It scares me to death because I never know just how much to trust someone. I hate putting my all into a relationship for them to turn on me like that. Once again, with no warning. If someone has an issue, they need to speak up about it. Talk to me, tell me what’s going through your mind, tell me what’s bugging you. Don’t hold it in until you can’t anymore and then spring it all on me and/or disappear. I’m almost to the point that I don’t even want to try forming new relationships. There have been a few people whom I have tried to be friends with over the past year and for whatever reasons, they just disappear. No matter how much they say they enjoy my company or want to spend time with me or want to help me, they ALWAYS leave. So it’s very discouraging even when just trying to make friends. I feel like I can’t get too close to someone because in no time they’ll be gone, just like everyone before them. And that really scares me because I love being with people. I love surrounding myself with happy-go-lucky people. I really enjoy being in the company of others and to think that all of these bad experiences are turning me away from that, it frightens me. I don’t want to separate myself from others, but I almost feel as though I have to in order to protect my heart from any further damage.

I wish people could find it in their hearts to show some sort of compassion and love for those around them. It’s hard for me to be that “nice girl” when all I ever get is left in the dark- bruised and broken. And it’s not particularly that I’m starving for attention from anyone just that I wish somebody would care and really prove to me that they do. I’m tired of this feeling alone thing. I’m tired of knowing that I have “friends” but nobody ever seems to be there for me. I’m tired of waiting to find somebody that isn’t going to leave. I guess I’m just looking for consistency. I want to get to know someone, and I mean REALLY get to know someone. Know all their favorite things and what makes them tick. And for once, I want them to stick around. I’m tired of people letting me down. And even more so, I’m sick of people saying they care but acting quite differently. If people cared about anyone but themselves for a change, the world would be a much happier place. But until that day comes the nice people are just gonna have to suffer with getting crapped on by the others. I gotta keep being me and hoping that one day I’ll come across someone who loves me for that and wont want to ever leave my side. It’s all about patience, something I know I need to pray more about.